@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.
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@timk927: Saying someone is doing something "like a boss" to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
@lizmiele: I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
@FatherWithTwins: 8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year! Me: Cool, what color? 8yo: Orange! Me: 8yo: Me: *pours drink* Let's do it