@ShittyComedian

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

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@robin_991

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

@daemonic3

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

@smhbrb

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

@murrman5

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@chrissyteigen

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

@CamGurrrl

my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear