So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Social distancing in Australia:
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Chicken bread
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Every time.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
The news
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !