@Cheeseboy22

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

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@Matt_The_1st

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

@AnOrangeSNES

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

@ohen39

cop: we’d like to ask you some questions
me: I want to see my lawyer
cop: you’re not a suspect
me: I know. I just miss her.

@chopper4jk

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

@murrman5

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

@sentientbomb

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

@LizerReal

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

@Invisichad

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍