So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
You Might Also Like
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.