A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
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Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
Tell your friends”
People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?
I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
crime tip: secretley grease a cop’s butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he’ll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta