“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

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A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.


Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.


*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>??-?


Tell your friends”


People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?


So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.


CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.


You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet


crime tip: secretley grease a cop’s butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he’ll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street


why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta