i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
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Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho