So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
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Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.