So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
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*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
2022: I can fix it
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django