“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
