Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
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PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.