@abitofjoie

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

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@RealSamHarwood

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

@UncleDuke1969

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

@murrman5

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

@JokesWithMark

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

@Fred_Delicious

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”

“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”

“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

@ninjadinosaur1

My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches

@LuvPug

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

@lmwortho

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm

@TheMichaelRock

Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.