People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
So Kanye West said he is an intellectual who doesn’t read books. Which I get because I am an an athlete that rarely moves.
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Me: that is hilarious
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Bam! Problem solved
“Of course you’re the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder” – alcohol
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Guys, I came of age in the 1970s, when people picked up and murdered hitchhikers, so I didn’t realize that murdering hitchhikers was wrong
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?