Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
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Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?