“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*