@Yung__Naan

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

- @Yung__Naan

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

@AbbyHasIssues

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

@AmishPornStar1

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

@daemonic3

Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.

@Gupton68

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

@AndrewNadeau0

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

@Smooheed

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
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M: [jumps out window] me too