“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
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Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
same bro
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.