@Yung__Naan

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

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@JB1971_

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

@Skoogeth

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

@mrtruthandsoul

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

@ceejoyner

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@AllyBallyBeal

Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me

Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more

@PickleRudd

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

@SkinnieTalls

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women