Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
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So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.