@Yung__Naan

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

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@CarolinaSong

Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the “body of Christ” right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off

@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@sixfootcandy

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

@AaKesseli

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@JustBeingEmma

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

@weinerdog4life

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.