@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

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@swandive2222

Yes, I’ve been in love before.

I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.

@TheToddWilliams

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

@dafloydsta

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

@MindyFurano

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

@AdderallMomma

“BANGING BODY”
Thanks
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
“…”
BOOM

@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

@PaperWash

[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@comes_night

Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?

@seamussaid

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”