So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Not now. I’m deglazing.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?