Yes, I’ve been in love before.
I’ve also had salmonella poisoning and you don’t see me running back for seconds.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
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Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“What’s your secret?!”
I eat fireworks
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”