So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
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mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
mom gave me mine for free
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.