So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
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5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes