So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security