So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

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Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.


*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?


I’m a sensible person, and I’ll also take off my glasses to smell something better.


Penguins mate for life but also have the highest rate of alcoholism.


hagrid: you’re a wizard harry
harry: I’m a what?
hagrid: a wizard
harry: (thought he said lizard at first) oh ok that’s cool too I guess


“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook


Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.


A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”


I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.