So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune