@TheBoydP

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

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@DrDogMD

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

@moose_chocolate

For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.

@3sunzzz

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

@bytaylorcox

If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.

@Feisty___One

I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..

@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@shkeeber

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

@pinupteacher

My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.

She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-