NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
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For Easter, I will hide pieces of IKEA furniture all over the house and then have my kid assemble it. If she succeeds, she gets chocolate.
[notice son’s not home]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
If everyone drove their cars as carefully as they scrolled through their exes Instagram photos the world would be a better place to live.
I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.
She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-