So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
time machine? you mean a clock?
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.