@GeorgeTakei

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

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@Dawn_M_

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

@Easy_Tiger__

Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don’t panic. She’s just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.

@GingerHotDish

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

@daemonic3

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

@Cpin42

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

@IvoryGazelle

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

@junejuly12

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?