@GeorgeTakei

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

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@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

@CountMackula

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@adamjest

My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window

@PaperWash

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

@DurtMcHurtt

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@mattytalks

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

@Gupton68

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.