Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
My pet rock is grounded for throwing itself at my ex’s car window
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Groceries be like
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.