So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

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I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.


Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don’t panic. She’s just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.


My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.


My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.


Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.


Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.



Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.


Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?