Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
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Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.