bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.