Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”
So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they’re ugly.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.
how do lawyers argue without crying
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.