my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
the world’s most popular steaming services
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too