@illiter8too

So many athletes thank god for their wins, but I want to see athletes who angrily curse god when they lose.

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@JasonLastname

Go into a bathroom stall and write: “For A Good Time Call Your Mother. She Misses You & Enjoys Hearing Your Voice.”

@ObscureGent

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

@radtoria

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

@jjhartinger

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

@canadian_jane

This bar smells so bad and I can’t tell who’s homeless and who’s a hipster.

@retniw_nuf

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.