“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING
doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics
me: oh i don’t think i can afford that
doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options
me: ah, yes. amateur biotics
-honey bunches of moats
-cinnamon ghost crunch
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.