@ceejoyner

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

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@EndhooS

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

@MommaUnfiltered

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

@TexasHickspanic

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

@ClichedOut

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

@bourgeoisalien

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@AlwaysAButt

doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics

me: oh i don’t think i can afford that

doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options

me: ah, yes. amateur biotics

@panmidwest

haunted cereals

-unlucky charms
-honey tomb
-golden graves
-cookie crypt
-honey bunches of moats
-cheerighouls
-cinnamon ghost crunch

@wakeelee

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.