So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
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Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx