So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
what’s the point then??
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
