So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
is this a warning or an offer?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time