So many girls look so cute and pretty when they cry then there’s me where i look like a dying horse

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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open


Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes


[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.


Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.


My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”


My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.


The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?


My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.


i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it


Stranger: Ooohh what breed is he?!

Me *rolling my eyes* : He’s a doggie.