The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
So many girls look so cute and pretty when they cry then there’s me where i look like a dying horse
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Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Stranger: Ooohh what breed is he?!
Me *rolling my eyes* : He’s a doggie.