Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
work smarter, not harder
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No