So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
How software testing works
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West