So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child