So many pants.
So little yoga.
You Might Also Like
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
real
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious