So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
why would tinder want me to say this
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel