So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
next level snooze
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Monday
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Danger is very dangerous
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks