So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Spider-cat: No One Home
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
technically true but not a great slogan
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job