So many village idiots. So few dragons.

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[first date]

HER: I’m really into guys with ambitions

ME: *trying to impress her* that’s perfect, I have two frogs


Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.


HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen


Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.


The last time I left the house without wearing blush, someone tried to drive a stake through my heart.


I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.


Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”


wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”


Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.