So many village idiots. So few dragons.
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I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
How do you milk an almond?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.