So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police