So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
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The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.