@bartandsoul
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
@CMFC99
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
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@bartandsoul
@DurtMcHurtt
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
@robdelaney
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
@AdamZHerman
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
@rad_milk
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
@AaronFullerton
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
@iwearaonesie
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
@TEXASVETERAN
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
@JohnLyonTweets
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
@welivinasociety
this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along