@CMFC99

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

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@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@DurtMcHurtt

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

@robdelaney

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

@AdamZHerman

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

@AaronFullerton

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

@iwearaonesie

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

@TEXASVETERAN

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

@welivinasociety

this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along