So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

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My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.


Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.


I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.


women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady


“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”


trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff


How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?


I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.


this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along