So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
is this a threat
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.