So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

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Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.


My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?


Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.


Me: Stuck on the crossword, 3 letters “scientific term for eggs”

Wife: It’s ova

Me: *Crying* Because I can’t do crosswords?


Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..


what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun


maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.