@smiles_and_nods

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

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@iGreenMonk

Whenever my wife sing, i open up my room windows so the neighbors don’t think I’m beating her.

@scarletwitchwc1

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

@SeanINCypress

Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.

@BigJDubz

Me: Stuck on the crossword, 3 letters “scientific term for eggs”

Wife: It’s ova

Me: *Crying* Because I can’t do crosswords?

@CheryeDavis

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

@ihuffpaint

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.