*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
new wife guy just dropped
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.