So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
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My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
the chicken was already gone when I got here