CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”