Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
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Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit