So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England