So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.


A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.


Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.


Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac


I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.


I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.


Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??


Child: What’s a pandemic?

Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.

Child: I’ll ask mom.