So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*


You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.


Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.


Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.


Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?


I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.


My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.


Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social


Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous


*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying


mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?