So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
never forget
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.