I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Don’t be a doormat, be an electric fence.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because no body liked you in high school, and then you caught me speeding.
Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.