So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
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Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
This one’s “Alex”.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.