So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!