So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

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Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.


First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!


I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.


So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.



Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.


“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets


My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.


The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.


I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.