So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Mouse
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.