So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
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An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please