@mack44_d

So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.

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@morganalxander

Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry

@danblackroyd

Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

@eric10F

“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*

@Taylor_Stag

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

@awesomeseank

Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.

@onelongbender

Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

@o__0Dev

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?