So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.