Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
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Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.
Me: Is it good?
Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
the divorce rate for socks is 100%
100% legal to pay a kid to punch another kid in the face.
Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?