So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.


My plan to reduce shark attacks. Get them hooked on meth. Getting gummed by a toothless shark probably tickles.


When Bruce Banner gets constipated do you think he turns into the Hulk? – just one of the thoughts I have during important business meetings


When someone shows you they don’t want to be a part of your life, let them go.

I’m not saying you can’t make a voodoo doll of them, though.


“So you met the victim on tinder”
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*


the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example


“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]